What Condition is My Condition In?

Woke up to snow and dull emotions. I'm tired of listening to my own thoughts but don't see any way around that. This state of being tired, disconnected is part of the game, too. How do I do this part of it?

Those were my words at 6:00 AM. Here's how I did that part of it. First, I plugged in the SAD lamp I bought Chris for Christmas (convenient gift-giving at its best) and let the 10,000 lux (whatever the hell lux are) hit my retinas for about 30 minutes. I gave myself over to half an hour of informal meditation and just checked in to see what condition my condition was in. It was hunkering down, in case you're wondering, keeping the lid on a number of other feelings I didn't want to face. Nothing earth-shattering. Some disappointment over things as mundane as having eaten too much food yesterday to something a little more chronic like wondering why I don't see things more clearly than I do, why I'm not better, above feeling angry or jealous or human, or anything other than what I am. That kind of stuff.  In a way this dead week between Christmas and New Year's brings this sort of shit out into the open. I'm not so tangled up in business, work, and just keeping things together that I can't slow down enough to see what's really going on.  In this light, I could look on my disappointment as a blessing of sorts--one of life's wake-up calls. But waking up to what? Not to a sense that I need to DO something about this quick! That's more running away. So, instead, I sat there in the bluish glow of the lamp and let those feelings be.

I've been reading Rebel Buddha this week, too, so I'd be lying if I tried to convince you I'm free from any influence there. I'm enjoying the language and my surprise that this guy who started out his education in a Tibetan Buddhist monastery can speak to my contemporary mind as clearly as he does. I checked out his web site after the SAD lamp had run its course. The site seemed a little lite and carnivalish, but on the other hand not meeting my expectations may be a good thing. I bookmarked it and will check back from time to time to see wha's up. The idea that sunk deepest from last night's reading was that of embracing our neurosis. Let's see if I can clearly communicate what I understand by this. First, our minds and hearts are full of confusion and neurosis that suffers, mistakes things, clouds up reality, and waking up doesn't mean you suddenly get a new, improved model. It's the same mind that wakes up. There is no other. I don't get to choose to get to know any other mind than the one I've got. It gets even more interesting when my confused, neurotic mind relates to other confused neurotic minds. In an open, honest connection this is it--and this is enough. It allows for compassion and authentic connection. I'm falling into relying on quotes now, so here goes:

"We can touch another heart, another life, only with our own heart and life. We may be the ones to benefit most; you never know what will happen or who will end up liberating whom. When we reach out, we're offering to let go of our own preconceptions about "who I am," "who you are," and what could or should happen. A meeting of minds or hearts is never about just one person; it's like a chemical reaction, an alchemy that can transform both."

(I swear I used the word alchemy in this blog before reading this)

"Our appreciation for this crazy, confused world comes from realizing that we can wake up with the mind we have right now. This more positive perspective toward our thoughts and emtions doesn't mean that we indulge our habitual patterns, but that we make the best use of them."

 So I went on to read a little more before slushing my way out to my car, dragging my ass to yoga class. Russ taught a really sweet modified primary series that hit the spot. My sluggish body woke up bit by bit as I gazed back between my legs in down dog at the snow falling on a bare-branched tree outside the window. That's cause and effect. I had to work at this practice today with what I had. The starchy foods and extra two pounds of weight notably stole the lightness and ease that I sometimes experience in yoga. And yet this was still a good practice. I know I'll be going back and burning off the excess, waking up and waking up again. Just as I can only wake up with the mind I have, I can only practice yoga with this body and mind. No alternative--no way 'round but through. I drove home with a quiet alertness and an idea about cause and effect of which to be aware. That is, it will be worth paying attention to what wakes me up and what lulls me back to sleep. Yoga, as effective as a double hit of espresso.

I'm not especially satisfied with how this post is turning out, which most likely means it needs to sit awhile. I'll post it, but it's a work in progress as am I, and, as I suspect are you.